Review Methodology

It probably would be best if you, perhaps perusing the archives, perhaps following at the onset, all 124 of you, were to know a few things, more specifically What The Hell I'm Doing Here. The long and short of any review I've done (probably numbering 1,000+ for various items) is to tell the random person whether or not they should spend their money on it. To me, your time and your money are valuable and I don't want to waste either. If you come here, I want you to go away with something, even if only momentary entertainment. It's always been that way. Before, I told the people what records to get and why or if they should get any of the newest offerings from Band X or should you go see Movie Y or eat at This Place or That. I don't steer anyone wrong, whether or not they are some faceless click across the worldwide electronic medium we all share together or if I know someone personally. It's my word.

With these sauces, I will continue that. When I say, something is worth buying, it means, like the Eagle Rare bourbon I've repeatedly recommended, I back it 100%. I told a friend of mine to buy a bottle of the Eagle Rare and if he didn't like it, I would buy it and cover his full price all the way, even if there was only a swallow left in the bottle. I won't do that for the interwebz denizenry, mind you, but that's the kind of trust I expect my word to mean. I've done it with CDs, books, movies, spirits, wine and now I turn my attention, finally, to sauces.

My first official review will be up tomorrow and you will see what I do, but you can expect to see some of the usual stuff. I will discuss expected uses, how I actually tested it, where it succeeds, where it fails, what the relative SHU* is, what my recommendation and perhaps unique to this blog only, what my enjoyment to dollar ratio is. Frankly, this is where most sauces pass/fail. Some of the things you won't see are me discussing labels or bottle shapes. Why? Look, the receptacle is meaningless. You eat the sauce and you throw the fucking thing away. Why am I reviewing the look and shape of trash? The "collector's" items are different, but check, you break a single seal and you've just devalued that item all the way. The new value of your opened value is $0. You might as well just eat it all up. With CDs, the libretto/liner notes are part of the magilla. With sauce...the container is bound for the nearest landfill and really, unless they are paying me, I don't see a burning need to help the sauce manufacturer's market themselves. If they do want to pay me, then we have something to talk about, but otherwise, it's like rating logos. I prefer that of Coca-Cola over Pepsi, but does anyone really care? Is there difficulty somehow differentiating between the two from some segment of the public?

I will rate using whole numbers out of 10, on a sliding scale. If you want to revert those to stars or whatever, to translate to what the other blogs are doing, divide the final number by 2. I am using a jalapeno as a "base", meaning 5000K SHU is equivalent more or less to zero heat. Like most reviewers (I think), I'm in search of the "perfect" sauce, though I know damn well that is a tall order probably impossible to fulfill. What I've always reviewed has been on the basis of how it fits into my life and in this case, my food and eating habits. I'm not going to whip up a batch of buffalo wings, which I think are one of the most overrated foods out there, simply so I can conduct a specific test for a sauce. I don't mind having a different sauce for different functions, but if it won't fit into a "regular" rotation, it greatly devalues its usefulness to me.

Here is what you can expect to see:

Breakdown: (this is how I determine the final score)

Heat level: (Anything higher than probably 8 and you're looking at a "by-the-drop" cooking additive)
Flavor: (Complexity, "mouth feel", level of intrigue and just plain tastiness are where this would go)
Flexibility: (How many different types of food will this go with and how much does it positively enhance flavor)
Enjoyment to dollar factor: (the higher the $ number, the more demands placed on the sauce)

Overall: (Average of the score of the above ranked factors)

If you see an overall of less than 5, you don't have me backing it. It's buy at your risk. I personally will not pay money for a sauce less than that. The higher the number, the more worth your monetary support:  simple, direct, true.

What won't you see? Crazy graphics. I don't have a full-on kick-ass blog like Scott Roberts' and unless I can somehow afford to obtain his service at some future point, I never will. What I can do is write and write like the unholy wind of a muthafucka, so that is what I will do. I can't code and have no idea how to imbed anything.  I have gone back and added pictures of the sauces for those I could find and as of fall 2019, will be having video accompaniments of several.


You also probably won't see stuff like snack foods, the aforementioned wing sauce, barbeque sauce (unless it is something compelling) or restaurant item reviews. Likewise you won't see a breakdown of powders or rubs or the like, at least not in this blog. That will, however, be available on the YouTube video series.

elit·ist noun \ā-ˈlē-ˌti-st, i-, ē-\

This is me, the quintessential elitist. I've built a rather large wine list by slogging through hundreds of bottles of sometimes cheap swill. Why? Because a $20 bill is the sweet spot and if you're like me, you have a hard time (and maybe not the cash) to plunk down much more for a bottle of the fine vino. However, once I get enough to be attached to something (see Red Devil), I'm a diehard. I've liked the UK Wildcats in college [basket]ball and the Oakland Raiders of the NFL and precious little else for longer than three decades. For my bourbon, the aforementioned Eagle Rare and I have standbys in vodka and sake as well. Point being, it's a tough battle, but win my heart and I'm yours forever, which is why I will always love heavy metal, classical music and science fiction best of all until the goddamn day I die. That shit's from the heart and it's true and it's real and you can take it to the bank as full-on bond.

As of today (09.14.12), I'm seeking a standby Mexican sauce as a high priority, but for Louisiana sauces I'm set as long as they keep making Red Devil. For Asian dishes, I'm largely set as long as there's 5-spice & chili-garlic sauce out there. You don't need eye-breaking heat for a sauce to be good. A sauce has to be good to be good, but heat is a component gaining more and more importance and that's what this blog largely is, running through the sauces that I can eat (considering the onion intolerance I have) and telling all of y'alls asses what's good in the 'hood (or elsewhere).

I have probably a couple dozen sauces on deck. I'm buying all of these that I'm testing, in the interests of full disclosure, so some of them may take a while for me to actually obtain and post thoughts regarding.